CLEVER DICK
Mum has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent
for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mum asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
MISUNDERSTANDING
It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honour." Testified the man charged with
indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted
most in a woman...
...So I showed her."
OCCUPATIONS
A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked young Johnny, he
said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue and collapsed."
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE
A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband
winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.
The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"
THREE OLD LADIES
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves, when a flasher
came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Needless to say, the first old lady had a stroke....
Then the second old lady had a stroke....
And the third old lady, well... she couldn't reach that far.
JUST ENOUGH
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four
pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."
The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past eighty years old, and I don't
even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my
shoes."
LUCKY MEETING
Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for
you?" Ed asked.
"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife
turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my
son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit
by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to
have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap
it all my business has just gone bust."
"Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?"
"I sell lucky charms," said Ted.
EVOLUTION
One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the
earth.
He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied "God, what
is a kiss?"
God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while
later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What
next?"
God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a
caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.
A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss!
What next." God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take
Eve and make love to her."
Adam said "Lord, what is to make love?" God explained and Adam took Eve behind
the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"
RULES FOR FLIGHT
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they
get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get
bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you
were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When
it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after
which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them
yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large
angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes
earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another
aeroplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains
have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs
you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows
what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill
the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all
you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as
they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per
hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from
bad judgement.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to
repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you
and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold
pilots.
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