Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the
second, "So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health
isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."
The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
A woman gets on a bus holding her baby.
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen," says the bus driver.
In a huff, the woman slams her fare into the box and takes an aisle seat near the rear of
The man seated next to her senses her agitation and asks what's wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she shouts.
The man replies, "Well, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult
You're right," says the woman. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a
piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man replies. "Here, let me hold your
A married couple are driving down the motorway doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I
know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because
I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster,
and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is
there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few
pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very
good! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a
really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food,
so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they
deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to
his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery
man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper
A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them a
little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park
bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and
says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African
men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a
The Irish artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African
men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
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