THREE WISHES
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life,
A Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfil 3 Wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be Rich." POOF: The Fairy
Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid Gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a Young and Beautiful Princess." POOF: The Fairy
Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite Young Princess. With a priceless Crown of
Jewels.
"Your Third Wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly woman's Dog raised his
head and uttered a single, weak hoarse "woof."
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful Dog into a Handsome Prince?" POOF: There,
in front of the Old Woman, who has now turned into a Beautiful Princess, stood the most
Handsome Young Man anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came toward her, her knees weakened.
He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're
sorry now that you had me neutered."
RELATIVES
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked,
"Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes," his wife replied. "I
married into the family."
WIDE EYED LAD
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his
four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event. The man
thought to himself, "Great, he's four years old and I'm gonna have to start
explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I'll let him ask and
then I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that
calf going when he hit that cow?"
LONG LIFE
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look,"she said. "What's your secret
for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of
whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
BAPTISM IS A SERIOUS STEP
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly,
"Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetisers and we have a
caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared
spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of
whiskey."
THE SENILITY PRAYER
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the lamp post.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get
something, and wonder what I'm here after.
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